so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
