i just sent this text using only my big toe
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
