I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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