Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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