He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
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I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
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Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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