She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
