K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
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