captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
