There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
