You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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