If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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