if you like me you must not know who I am
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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