Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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