I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Every concussion has its silver lining
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
