my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
