I didn't shave. On purpose
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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