I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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