i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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