I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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