I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
