so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
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