I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Did you pee in the oven last night??
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
