We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
