farters have to be the big spoon...
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
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He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
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She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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