i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
