swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
