6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
