Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
