i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
