the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
