he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
