Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
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i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
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I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Sex in the backyard? Check.
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