woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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