Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
