Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
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