They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
