why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
