never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
When are your genitals available?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
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