Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
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