There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
