So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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