She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Randomize
