just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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