I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
