I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Randomize
