only you would photoshop your dick
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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