I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
