My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
not ubering you a puppy
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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