You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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