so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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