The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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