I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
