I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
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