Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Randomize
