Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
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