I need help removing her.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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